Dead Inside
			     Part Seven: Hope
					by: Shell Presto

Rated: PG13 to R, I haven't decided yet. This story contains a little 
violence, bit of cursing, and, well, it's just kinda... deep? I don't know 
how to put it. Not really any adult situations, either.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. Takeuchi 
Naoko and various companies do. I'm just borrowing the characters to keep 
the tale going. However, I put a heckuva lot of work into all of this 
writing. It's my story, so please don't copy it. If you wanna post it, email 
me and I'll most likely say yes.



	Looking in the mirror has been harder for me these days.
	It has been two weeks since my acceptance of her death. It's not getting 
any easier to take. I thought if I knew she was dead, I could get over it, 
that I could put it all behind me. That was the most foolish belief I've 
ever held in my life. Breathing ever slowly, I look at the reflective glass 
in front of me, trying not to see what I've become.
	My hair has gone grey at the temples, which doesn't actually look bad 
except that I'm young. I shouldn't have any grey hair at all. Stress has 
certainly taken its toll on me. The scrapes on my arms and face aren't 
completely healed yet, I think it's going to scar where I bit my lip. Worse 
than that, I never feel like eating. Since Usako's death, I've lost thirteen 
pounds, maybe more, I haven't checked in a while. I have stopped crying 
though, there aren't any tears left in me to cry.
	I'm starting to get detached, numb. It's an awful experience, but I think I 
truly would be dead if I could feel anymore. If Usako's death isn't enough, 
I can't help the Senshi anymore. The new enemy is much stronger, and they've 
been getting batted around like cat toys recently. I tried to help, but a 
mere human isn't any good against a youma. They're still all more worried 
about me than the enemy. All of them tried in their own way to help. Too bad 
I've pushed them all away. After what happened, I don't want to get close to 
anyone ever again.
	Minako told me to throw myself right into another relationship. She 
insisted that being with another woman would take my mind off Usagi. It was 
only after she gave me that advice that she realized how dumb it was. She 
did apologize, saying that she had never been in a serious relationship 
before. She just didn't know how it worked, but I couldn't see another girl, 
no matter how much good it could do for me.
	Ami and Makoto suggested I throw myself into my studies, focus on my other 
goals. I wanted to be a scientist to help people, find a cure for cancer or 
something like that. It's a dead dream. I can't bring myself to try to help 
anyone, knowing I've failed Usako, Fiore, my friends, and my self. Besides, 
what's the point of having a job now? I don't want to support myself, and I 
don't have to save up for a family.
	Rei just said to try not to think about the bad times. You know, remember 
the good times and all of that. Great advice, nonetheless, I can't think 
about the good times without wondering where they've gone, without images of 
my love's eyes going dark.
	What Motoki said was more extreme. He told me to forget about her, forget 
everything. I wish I could. Man, I wish I could. He didn't say it in a nasty 
way, he said it realistically. He is right, of course. So long as I think of 
Usako, I'll never be happy, never pull myself out of this funk. But to 
forget her... I don't think I can do that. Those memories of Usako.. Yes, 
the pain comes with them, but the times I spent with her were the happiest 
times of my life. To erase all of them, then what would I be? I'd be the 
person I was before Usako, I'd be no one. Through our love, I found my self, 
I've learned the best and the worst of what I can be. What we had together 
defined a huge sum of my self, my being. She's a part of me.
	I step away from the mirror and walk out the door. It's raining once again; 
I find I like the rain these days. I walk once again to her grave, just to 
stand in front of it. Sometimes I talk to her, others I don't. On days when 
the grass is dry I'll lay on it. I like to feel like being there brings me 
closer to her, wherever she is. It's comforting to think she can hear me on 
the hard days.
	I lied about before. For the most part, I've stopped crying, but on 
occasions like this, a small tear has been known to slide past my eyes. It's 
not the same kind as before, not ones of suffering. These ones only spill 
because I miss my family and my best friend.
	"I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you," I whisper to my love, a 
faint trace of a smile on my lips. I enjoy talking to her, no matter where 
she may be. "I know I should do something, but I'm not sure what. I miss 
you, Usa. I can almost hear your bubbly voice inside my mind, telling me to 
live, to keep on going. I just wish I knew what you want me to do, being 
here without you."
	"She wouldn't want you to be sad," an unfamiliar voice informs me. Somewhat 
startled, I turn to see Usagi's mother standing behind me. It must be the 
cause of the rain; I didn't hear her coming. "Sorry to intrude. Would you 
mind some company?"
	I grin slightly. "Nah, you're welcome. You have more right to be here than 
I do."
	Ikuko smiled as well, her voice soft, sweet as she spoke, "That's not true. 
You meant the world to Usagi."
	"You know..." I add, with narrowing, shameful eyes. "I'm the one who dug 
up..."
	"Shhh" she hushes me. "Yes, the girls told me. I had no idea you and her 
were so close, that her passing affected you so much."
	"I don't think you could have. I never did come to dinner." I found myself 
regretting not having taken advantage of that open invitation. Usa's family 
seems so nice, I wouldn't have minded being a part of it.
	Ikuko reclaims my attention by taking my hand in hers. "That reminds me, 
Mamoru-san, I have some business to take care of concerning you. Would you 
like to come home with me for some tea for a moment. I'll give you a ride if 
you need one."
	I nod, solemn once again. Perhaps not the best tone to take right now. To 
lighten the moment, I say, "If you don't mind a drowned rat of a man in your 
car." I do succeed in making her laugh. Makes me downright proud to be able 
to.

	My backside's dry enough to accept a seat on the couch as she leads herself 
into the kitchen. She seems to be a great host, telling me to make myself 
comfortable while setting out a plate of cookies. I take in all the details 
of the cozy home, clean, warm, rather decorative. Most of the room is 
carpet, lace, and pastels, very nice, very homely. Inviting, actually, 
ideal, the sort of place I imagine I grew up in. I would have liked to spend 
more time here with Usako, had I the chance.
	Ikuko reenters holding a box under her arm, a tray with a kettle and two 
cups in her hands. She places the tray on the table, the shoe box on the arm 
of the chair in which she sits. Leaning over, she pours the hot, lemony tea 
into my cup. I thank her and take a sip, still wondering why she asked me 
here. I find out when she sits back and removes the lid of the box.
	"I think Usagi would have liked you to have these," she say, placing the 
open box on the table, filled to the brim with a plethora of memories. I 
can't help but put my hand in, pulling out little items to examine.
	Pictures of us, and some of only me, make its contents. More stunning than 
that, Usa kept nearly everything she could from every time we spent 
together. Dried roses, daisies, game tokens, movie stubs, all these and more 
brought back so many memories, all in one box. I stare at it in wonderment, 
then lift a crumpled ball of paper out. As I straighten it, I laugh.
	"What is it?" Ikuko asks curiously.
	I grin, holding up a red "30" on a test. "She hit me on the head with this 
paper when I was walking down the street. It's how we met." My eyes gloss a 
bit, my mouth turns down. I shouldn't be here, in Usa's house, not without 
her. Ikuko notices the change, but says nothing. I place the lid on the box 
and excuse myself. I don't look back when I leave.

	At home, I spread the contents of the box over my bed and, sitting next to 
them, eye them over in deep thought. I finger a picture of Usa and me, the 
one where I have my arms around her, fingers interlocked over her stomach. 
We used to be so happy. I cry again, seeing us in that picture. I have to 
get over this. I have to stop mourning and get back to living. I close my 
eyes, letting the tears catch between my eyelids. It takes me a minute to 
regain my composure. I used to hide my feelings so easily. What happened to 
change that?
	I realize I didn't finish my little chat with Usako, so I walk back the the 
cemetery. Now the sun is beginning to break through the clouds, casting rays 
of light on her tombstone. I sit next to it, tracing her name with my 
fingers as I used to trace the features of her face. "How's heaven, Usa?" I 
ask quietly. If only she could answer.
	"Is it as good as everyone says it is? Do you miss me up there?" Out of 
nowhere, I get the odd feeling that I'm being watched. I turn around to scan 
the area, but find no one around. I smile lightly, turning back to the 
grave. "Is that you, Usa? Are you watching me? Can you still see me?" I like 
the idea that I can feel her from beyond the grave, that our feelings could 
be that strong. Still, I know I must be dreaming to think I feel her crystal 
gaze upon me.
	"Funny," I add, playing with a flower on her grave. "You'd think, as a 
princess, you'd have a better site. This doesn't suit you at all." I smooth 
the grass in front of the marker with my hand, summoning all my strength. 
Much to my delight, vines of bright red roses creep up and around the 
marker, making a gorgeous distinction between her grave and every other. The 
roses come from our love, so it is logical that I can still produce them for 
her sake. Then I find myself thinking that roses aren't enough, that she 
needs more to honor her existance.
	Suddenly the ground begins to shake beneath me. Startled, I jolt backwards 
onto my feet. I watch in utter shock as pillars shoot up from the ground, 
white marble ones, like those I've seen in the Moon Kingdom. By the time I 
catch my breath, what appears to be a small temple has erected itself in 
place of the grave. I rub my eyes, not able to believe what has happened. A 
wide, four foot high pillar stands before the two steps leading into the 
small covered tomb. I step over both of them and enter an room hardly six by 
ten feet in dimension. My love's body rests in the center, but not the 
decrepit looking one I dug up. She's somehow been turned to silver, a 
glistening, bright silver like a crystal locked behind a glass case, and 
she's stunning, all her looks have been restored.
	This place couldn't have been buried. Did I create it? It seems to make no 
sense. There is an engraving on the front of the case in which she now 
rests. It reads, "In loving memory of Princess Serenity, this world's 
Tsukino Usagi, the heroine Sailor Moon. May she find peace and happiness in 
the future." The future......
	I get that sense of being watched again, still I can't see anyone nearby. I 
walk outside the room, staring at the building. Well, I don't know what it 
came from, but I haven't finished my job. Leaning onto the wall with both 
arms, I close my eyes in focus. After straining myself, I look to see my 
work done, the entire building is covered in roses. I find myself content, 
knowing she'd like such a monument to herself. Then my attention turns to 
that pillar in the front of the stairs.
	"What is this here for?" I wonder aloud. After thoroughly examining it, I 
notice it, too, has an engraving. I read it aloud in horror, "In loving 
memory of Prince Endymion, Chiba Mamoru, Tuxedo Kamen. May he always look 
over his love with protection." I swallow hard. This is my....
	A wave of understanding hits me. This is my destiny, to watch over her. I'm 
meant to be with her, even if she is dead. I was scared before, I didn't 
want to kill myself, but now... Maybe this really isn't dying. Maybe there's 
something I don't comprehend. Perhaps this is the way to be with her. If it 
is, I won't hesitate.
	I heft myself up onto the pillar, facing away from the temple. Almost 
immediately, I find my feet lock in place. A light flashes before my eyes, 
and I'm in my armor, Endymion's armor, once again. I'm terrified with the 
realiaztion that I can't move from the spot I'm on. I made a mistake, this 
isn't right. I try to jump off, but I can't feel my legs. I look down to see 
a stream of gold moving up my thighs. I hardly get a chance to wonder why 
it's gold before it reaches my waste.
	Those eyes, those eyes are on me again. I look towards a tree in the 
distance, that's the source. Who is it? My posture locks to one of stern 
concentration, which I suppose is better than the look of fear I had before, 
at least when considering what's happening to me. My eyes light up, in my 
heart, I can feel it. I know who it is. I'm suddenly ecstatic. It's.....!!!


	She couldn't hide her sorrow as she jumped out of the tree. To watch him go 
through all of that was a hideous experience for the eighteen year old girl, 
yet she didn't want him to go through it alone. That is, not completely 
alone. She wasn't supposed to let herself be seen, though she knew he felt 
her. This was the way it had to be. The only comfort was she knew the way 
the story would end, that they would always be together, her parents.
	"Chibi" Usa would have to become this era's new Sailor Moon for a long time 
before she could finally return home. She often wondered why it all happened 
the way it did, or would, but she did know with happiness that this was just 
the beginning for the two. She couldn't have told them in the future, they 
had to figure it out of their own. She thought they would have guessed their 
fate since their appearance's were different in the future. After all, 
people's hair color doesn't just change overnight.
	The pink odangoed girl stared at the monument she had erected to her 
deceased future parents and wept, sad they had died, yet knowing they would 
be reborn as her family, in the future.




The End.


Tell me what you all thought. It's most important to contact me at the end 
of the story, because I'd love to know all your opinions. What you tell me 
affects my future writing, so please, make the effort to respond. I hope you 
all enjoyed this story. Anyway, I'll soon be starting a new series, and with 
all due luck you'll check it out. I promise it's a lot more upbeat, a first 
season romance. But most importantly, write to me ( mangetsu@email.com ). By 
the way, there is a survey on part six if you would be so interested. If you 
would like me to post your commentary, good or bad, on my website (I have a 
sort of review page) please state so in the email. Thank you all for 
reading.

Until next time, I remain,
-Michelle Prestileo

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bridge/3542/index.htm