Dead Inside
			     Part Six: Futile
					by: Shell Presto

Rated: PG13 to R, I haven't decided yet. This story contains a little 
violence, bit of cursing, and, well, it's just kinda... deep? I don't know 
how to put it. Not really any adult situations, either.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. Takeuchi 
Naoko and various companies do. I'm just borrowing the characters to keep 
the tale going. However, I put a heckuva lot of work into all of this 
writing. It's my story, so please don't copy it. If you wanna post it, email 
me and I'll most likely say yes.



	The sky has cleared, it's considerably lighter out. I can hear the birds 
begin to sing, their notes piercing the sound of my uneven breathing. I want 
to collapse, but I'm almost done.
	I try to wipe the grime off of the top of the black coffin, to no avail. 
There's too much dirt and blood on my hands for it to make any difference. 
My hands hurt, as does the rest of me. I was digging for hours, longer than 
it had been raining. There's about six inches of water in the hole with me, 
covering my feet. It takes all of my effort to shift my position from having 
my feet on opposite sides of the coffin to both on one. Gathering all the 
strength I have left, I wedge my hands into the lid of the coffin.
	My mind screams at me. This is wrong. Digging up graves is horribly wrong. 
I feel guilty for what I've done, but I can't stop now. I have to see her 
dead. With that thought, I heft the lid open.
	I thought I'd be more shocked, but I'm not. Looking at her body, I feel 
numb. My legs collapse, bringing me down to her level, knees slamming off 
the side of her final resting place. "Usa?" I moan softly, brushing my 
fingers against her grey, lifeless face. One of her eyes is open, a very 
dry, ugly white orb stares at me. Unnerved, I force it shut. Her hair is 
limp, showing a complete lack of its normal glow. Even the dress has 
settled, making it look more like a doll's dress than a girl's. I let my 
hand graze her face once again, her skin is unusually soft, like a leper's. 
This is what I had to see. Now I know, she's dead.
	I can't deny it any longer, the proof is right in front of me. Tears spill 
from my eyes. I want to tell her to come back, but it's too late. No reason 
to put up a fuss for nothing. I really did think she was alive before, and I 
find myself wishing I hadn't come here. I'd have been happy living a lie, so 
long as I believed I was with her. How am I supposed to live now? What 
should I do? "I don't want to live without you," I whisper. I don't expect 
any sort of reply, though I keep hoping for one. Even if she came back now, 
looking as horrid as she does, I'd still love her. If she couldn't hear or 
talk or move or see, so long as we could be together, I'd love her with all 
of my heart. I'd take care of her. If I could revive her right now, I 
wouldn't hesitate. Although she'd be miserable the way she is, I'd make her 
happy.
	She doesn't wake up, though, and this time, I know, even in my heart, that 
she won't. Sniffling, I crawl into the coffin with her, wanting to hold her 
one last time. She wreaks of decaying flesh, making me cry more. Nothing 
about her is what it used to be. It's like this isn't her at all, but I 
can't deny that it is. Hugging her with all my might, her shoulder pops. I 
stare at her face, completely limp. I kiss her for the final time, covering 
her face in blood and dirt and tears. I can't believe she's really left me. 
I'm alone.
	I can't live like this, without her. What's the point of living anymore? 
I've already determined that whoever I care about will die. If I live, it's 
inevitable that I'll murder someone else. Better to die now and save 
someone. Maybe if I die, I'll be with her again. I hope there isn't a heaven 
and a hell, for if there is, I know we'll be seperated. I've killed my 
parents, her, and my best friend, not to mention I've desecrated her grave. 
There's no way I'd ever get into heaven, I'd never be with her, and I 
deserve that fate. I never deserved to be with her in the first place, but I 
loved every moment of it. Hard to believe I ever made her happy, it seems so 
impossible now. I don't know what she saw in me, but I'm glad she loved me. 
Maybe I'll see her again. I don't know what comes after life, maybe nothing 
does, but there is a chance I'll see her again, and that's what I want more 
than anything. I just want to be with her. Bending my legs so I fit in the 
casket with her, I seal it over us.
	It's dark, and it smells. I was tired before, but now I'm holding onto her 
body for dear life. I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want to live without 
her, however I'm honestly afraid to die. I keep thinking about the worst 
case scenario, that I don't get to be with her. Still, I've nothing left to 
live for anyway. I start sobbing into her hair. Already, the air has started 
to thin. I won't be able to breath soon. I was planning to sleep through 
this, not suffocate.
	Suddenly, the lid of the coffin lifts, leaving in the light of day to rush 
in and blind me.
	"Mamoru-san!" Rei half yells in disbelief as she gazes down at me.
	I'm startled at first. I have no clue of what to say, but I do know what I 
want. "Leave me alone!" It's a simple request, though a demanding one. I 
know she won't leave, but I quickly try to seal myself off again. She grabs 
the lid with both hands, and I'm too weak to fight. Instead, I turn to 
begging, "Please, Rei, just let me die. I don't want to live without her, I 
can't. Understand..."
	"I won't!" she chokes through gritted teeth, trying to force up the weight 
she is holding. Then I hear Makoto's voice in the distance, and Rei calls 
her over as well. When she arrives, I sit up, holding Usako in my lap. It is 
horribly evident that I won't find peace with them here.
	Makoto is in shock, and I'm ashamed to have dug up Usako simply because of 
the look in the eyes of the Senshi. "W... Why have you...?"
	I hold my love's corpse ever closer, as if she was alive. Burying my face 
in her stringy lockes, I explain in a dead tone, "I can't live without her. 
I've given up trying, I can't. She's everything to me, I just want to be 
with her. Please, just let me do this. All I want is to die with her, to be 
with her. I don't want to torture myself by living any longer. If you care 
at all, turn around and pretend you never saw me. I'm not leaving here." The 
monotomy of my voice scares me. I've never been so depressed, yet I accept 
this, it's who I am now. Or perhaps, it's who I'm not. I'm nothing anymore, 
not without her.
	Rei, still in the grave next to me, places her hand on my shoulder, 
bringing me all sorts of pain. Everything's sore from the digging. "We're 
not going to let you do this. We're going to take you home and..."
	"CAN'T YOU SEE I DON'T WANT TO 'GO HOME!?!!'" I yell, quickly slapping her 
hand away. She backs into the wall of dirt, afraid of the anger in my voice. 
Why don't they understand? "There's no home left for me! I.." Something hard 
impacts against the back of my head, I don't get to finish what I was 
saying.

	"Is he okay?"
	"Yeah, Motoki-chan, Ami-chan said he'll be fine."
	"I said he'll be fine IF we can get him to rest."
	"Hey, is his hair getting grey around his temples?"
	"That's not funny, Minako-chan."
	"No, Rei-chan, I'm serious, look."
	"Wow, it is."
	I hear them all, dimly, Usako's friends, maybe mine? How can they 
understand what I'm feeling? More accurately, what I'm feeling again, as 
I've been through this with my parents, Fiore, and Usa. You'd think I'd be 
used to it by now, the loss, the depression. And now the shame. I'm somewhat 
glad Usa couldn't see me at the cemetery. How would she have felt when I 
slapped Rei, one of her dearest friends? Slowly, I manage to work through my 
headache and apologize. "Rei... I didn't mean.... to scare you, I'm just... 
None of you understand..... without her I..."
	Ami hushes me, covering my mouth with her fingers. "You've caught an awful 
cold. You shouldn't talk, you may lose your voice." It's with her words that 
I notice how rough I had sounded, and how sore my throat is. My entire body 
is throbbing and in pain. It's hard to focus my eyes through the pounding in 
my head, but I realize that I am in a room in Rei's temple. I try to move my 
fingers slightly, only to find them bound in gauze, as well as my head.
	"Sorry I had to knock you out," Makoto says with a warm smile. "You just 
weren't listening to reason."
	"You're our friend, Mamoru," Motoki notes. "You're not alone, we're all 
here for you."
	Then Rei chimes in, breaking the hushed tones of the others. "That is, we 
will be here for you, AFTER you get some rest." With that, she leads the 
others out of the room.
	"Rei," her name scratches against my throat. She walks back in, sitting 
next to me, her hand playing with the hair on the side of my head.
	"It's alright. I know you didn't mean what you did," she assures me.
	Our eyes meet, and a bewildered look washes over her pale features. I'm 
hoping she can read my eyes, because I know I can't express myself in words. 
I want to thank her for what she's done, yet at the same time I'm furious 
she didn't let me die. Tears spill out of my eyes as I look at her. I don't 
want to die, but I don't want to live without Usako. I just want her back.
	Soft lips meet with my eyelid in a motherlike fashion. Rei slips her thin 
arms, covered by her large robes, around me, holding me. She lets me cry 
into her shoulder, and I'm grateful. Eventually, she lies me down on the 
futon and walks out, leaving me to rest with my uneasy thoughts.

	I must have slept for hours, the sun is setting. I slide back the screen a 
few inches, desperate for some fresh air. I don't mean to spy on Rei, but 
find myself unable to turn away as she solemnly checks her horoscope at the 
shrine. She pulls the small slip of paper out of its box, reading it with 
intensity, then smiles. I'm glad she picked a good fortune.
	I'm honestly scared now, having lost Usa makes me think that all my friends 
are next. It almost seems silly, to think I have a curse. People don't die 
just because they're around you, Chiba, don't think like that. I tell myself 
that, but do I truly believe that? Maybe fate has decided that I should be 
alone.
	Rei carries the small strip of rolled up paper to a tree with hundreds of 
matching horoscopes tied to its branches. I watch in something close to awe 
as she laces the paper about a branch, as she apparently has every other 
day.
	Then the tree bursts out in a flash of light, and a youma appears in its 
stead. I watch in horror as Rei is clutched by the monster and thrown 
against a wall. Just as I pull myself to my feet, the other Senshi arrive. I 
silently thank whatever has control of such events as I view their 
transformation. Rei will be fine. Or so I think.
	The youma whips claw like wooden objects at the Senshi, binding them to 
nearby trees. For a moment, I'm shocked, then instinct kicks in. The girls 
need me. Concentrating, I pool my energy, gathering up the strength to 
become Tuxedo Kamen.
	And nothing happens. I look at my hand, ungloved, unable to understand what 
didn't happen. I try to focus once again, this time to produce a rose. I 
can't. Nothing happens, no matter how hard I concentrate. By now, Rei is 
screaming as the youma removes a glowing crystal from her body, and my 
friend's body goes limp. I yell something as I rush at the youma, my tight 
fist making contact with its face. Only momentarily though, before I too am 
bound in the same manner as the others. I was the last one, now there's no 
way to save her.
	Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of two unknown 
Senshi watching us from within a tree. I don't know why they are not acting, 
but I hope they are on our side. "Please!!" I call out to them in a volume I 
thought I was unable to produce. It's painful, and I doubt they can 
understand me. "Help us!! Help Rei!! Can't you see that monster is the 
enemy!!!???!!!" Still they glare at us silently, unmoving. Enough is enough. 
"DAMMIT!!! HELP HER!!!! DO SOMETHI....!!!!!!!!!!" My voice cuts out on me at 
the last second, my throat causing me more pain than I believed imaginable.
	I close my eyes to the events taking place, although when I hear a voice 
new to me yell, "World Shaking" I know everything will be fine.

	I'm in the hospital. Ami's mother has just finished testing me, allowing me 
some necessary time to think about why I could not transform today. Of 
course, it's obvious now that I consider it. I'm not a Senshi, I never was. 
The only role I played was that of Sailor Moon's protector. With Sailor Moon 
gone, so are my powers, and my reason for fighting. However, it's not quite 
fair. Yes, Usako is gone, but her friends need me, and if that isn't enough, 
my mind has started to play games again, telling me that Rei was hurt 
because I was with her.
	The door opens, and in walks Mizuno-san with my diagnosis. She smiles 
politely in wonderment. "I don't know what you've been up to lately, 
Chiba-san, but you're quite the proverbial mess. The wounds on your hands 
are indeed infected, it will take quite a while for them to heal. In the 
meantime, you should treat them with an ointiment I have prescribed for you 
here," she tells me, handing me a slip of paper. "Everything else will just 
have to heal with time. Oh, and... your throat. You've definitely lost your 
voice for the time being. I can't do much for you except recommend you take 
cough syrup and drink plenty of fluids. You may have a hard time eating 
solid foods for the time being. I'm afraid you've permanantly altered your 
voice, but only time will tell. The bottom line is you must not talk for, at 
the very least, a week, perhaps more. You should contact me with how things 
are going along for the next few weeks, and call if there are any problems."
	With a weak smile, I nod and leave the room. I walk home alone, and it 
rains again. Feels good, actually, kind of refreshing. It's the type of 
light shower that just washes your cares away, which is good, because I need 
a break. After all, as soon as I do get home, I still have to figure it out, 
the one problem tearing through my mind...
	What am I going to do without Usako?




To be continued....

	Well, it's about time I got this out, huh? Anyway, I WANT MAIL!!! ^_^ ( 
mangetsu@email.com ) I appreaciate any and all commentary. Did I mention 
there are only one or two more parts til this story is concluded? Well I did 
now. I expect mail from all of you reading this! It's very hard to write 
such a story, you know? If you don't know what to write, or you do know what 
to write and what to help me out anyways, just fill out this lil survey. 
(highlight it then "ctrl c" to copy it, then "ctrl v" to paste it on the 
email. or just make it easy on urself and just email your answers, I know 
the questions by now.)

Lil' Survey: 1. My favorite type of story is... (example: Romance) 2. I like 
stories that take place in... (example: the past) 3. I prefer stories that 
(A.provide background for the comics/ anime, B.are original and of their own 
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Thanks to all!
-Shell Presto
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bridge/3542/index.htm

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