Dead Inside Part Five: Reality by: Shell Presto Rated: PG13 to R, I haven't decided yet. This story contains a little violence, bit of cursing, and, well, it's just kinda... deep? I don't know how to put it. Not really any adult situations, either. Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. Takeuchi Naoko and various companies do. I'm just borrowing the characters to keep the tale going. However, I put a heckuva lot of work into all of this writing. It's my story, so please don't copy it. If you wanna post it, email me and I'll most likely say yes. I grin as he seemingly doesn't notice her. "Mamoru..." he says in a sad, shocked tone. "You're... out..... I can't believe you're actually smiling..." "I have my reasons..." I add with a smirk while wrapping my arm possessively around Usako. Usa smiles from ear to ear as she addresses the blonde man, "It's good to see you again, Motoki-oonisan." Laughing, I turn to see Motoki's reaction. There is none, he's staring at me. "Mo... Motoki?" I stutter, absolutely bewildered. "You... you could at least say 'hi'....... What's with you?" Why isn't he responding to her? "Uhm... hi." My best friend sits across from me, and locks onto my love's sundae. "You... you're going all out today," he comments. "Yeah..." I cough out, uneasily. He's acting like Usa doesn't exist. Maybe... maybe he thinks he's hallucinating. "She's real, you know." He turns his head, "Who?" My grip tightens around Usako, still happily eating away. "You know..." "Is something wrong with your arm?" he asks. "N.. no. Why are you acting so strange?" He doesn't answer, only looking at me with what seems like pity. Usako's hand grabs at my shirt. I look to see that she is suddenly crying. That's too much for me to take. "Why are you ignoring Usako?!" I question, demanding an answer. "WHAT!? Mamoru, what are you..." he stops mid sentence, a look of horror on his face. "Oh my... Your arm, the ice cream, you're talking to..." I grin. "About time you noticed..." "You think she's... Mamoru.." he puts his hand on mine, and leans in towards me, whispering, "You haven't taken drugs, have you?" He's lost it.... My friend continues, taking my arm and bidding me to stand as he does, "I know you're depressed, but I didn't think you would... I know you live alone. You should have called when it got that bad. We should get you some help." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!" I yell, wrenching my hand from his. I'm half standing in the booth, one knee on the seat. Did I miss something? Usako darts up, grappling my arm. "Mamo-chan, what's going on?" "I don't know..." I tell her. "It'll be okay, Usako." I then turn my full attention to my friend, whose jaw has dropped. "You... you don't really believe she's..." "What?" "Mamoru, you're losing it. You're talking to her, but she's dead. You're seeing things.." he explains. "WHAT THE HELL!?!!" I nearly scream. "STOP IT!" Usako starts crying, and I'm rather angry myself. "Mamoru, calm..." I immediately grab Usa's hand as we both bolt outta the cafe. Something invokes fear in both of us, I don't understand what just happened. We don't stop running until we're in my apartment, where we hold each other, both of us shivering in fright. "Wha... What was that about?" she murmurs into my shirt. I try to say 'I don't know,' only to mouth it in a tone even she can't hear. We're crying, tears streaming down our faces. Why? "You... you're real," I whisper, shakily. "Right?" Her little head bobbles an affirmative nod, never lifting to my vision. This is insane. I know she's real, I can FEEL her. I'm holding her, her tears are sopping into my shirt. I'm not seeing things, I can smell her hair. Still shaking, I cup her chin, willing our gazes to meet. Those sky blue eyes, the sadness in them, that is reality. Our lips meet, and all doubt fades as I taste her. The shivering stops, replaced only by warmth as we melt into each others arms. She giggles slightly as I release her, her hand lingering on my cheek, her fingers grazing my ear and sideburns. I smile. Motoki must have thought he was hallucinating. Usako raises herself on the tips of her toes in an attempt to reach my lips. She abruptly stops when my stomach growls. Didn't get any of my sundae, either. She smiles. "I'm gonna make you a great meal, Mamo-chan. Pick whatever you like." I laugh as she leads me into the kitchen. "Anything but pancakes." Watching her route through the cabinets amuses me as I pull out a chair in the kitchen. I lean my hand on the table for a moment. Something squishes. My attention caught, I look to the surface, egg covers it, and the chair. I stop breathing, only staring at my hand. Didn't we eat? "U... Usako....?" My love turns, seeing the horror in my eyes. "Ma... Mamo-chan!" Nearly falling off a stool, she rushes to my side. "What is it?! What's wrong?!" "You... and I ate breakfast... right?" I say, locking onto her eyes desperately. "Of course we..." She is interrupted by my doorbell. I slowly, reluctantly proceed to the door. I don't want to answer it, but I have to know that someone else can see her. I find myself doubting her existance while turning the handle. Motoki walks in. "Mamoru..." I can't take it anymore! I need to know now. "You see her, don't you Motoki!?" I blurt out, not waiting an instant. Usako grapples onto my arm for support. "Mamo-chan!" she squeeks, unable to believe what I have just said. My best friend stares at me once again, trying to see what my eyes view. "No, Mamoru. She's not..." He can't see her?! Why can't he see her!??! She's HERE. Usa's right HERE, next to me! Isn't she? Something within my chest gives, and my head starts screaming at me. Of course she's real! I'm doing this to myself! I'm torturing myself by not believing in her! Why am I doing this to myself! Usa's here, with me. I calm, looking at the girl on my arm with love. I brush her hair out of her eyes, then glide my arm around her back. "I'm sorry for doubting you, love," I whisper. Completely ignoring our guest, we kiss, and I find myself completely at peace. It's about time I stop forcing nightmares upon myself, and start being thankful for what I have. Motoki slaps me. "Snap out of it!!! Mamoru!" he yells, shaking me. Tossed about between us, Usa cries out as I catch her. "What are you DOING!?" I shout. "You'll hurt her!" Quickly pushing the man away, I steady Usako. What's he thinking?! "SHE'S NOT REAL! Mamoru, she's DEA.." "LIAR!" Holding Usa close to me, I realize my friend has gone absolutely nuts. "I don't know what's going on, but something's wrong with you, Motoki, and your scaring Usa! She's right here, why can't you see her!?!" A blank expression on his face, Motoki swallows hard. "P... prove it. What's her favorite color?" I'm taken aback by the question. What does that prove? "Wh.. white," I answer skeptically. "Are you happy now?" I watch him raise his hand to his face, a slight frown appearing as though he is in deep thought. "Food?" "Huh? Uhm... Ice cream." "What's Usagi-chan's father's full name?" "I don't... Usako," I question, turning to her. "What is your father's full name?" She looks at me rather helplessly, not saying one word. "Usa?" I feel Motoki's hand on my shoulder. "Mamoru," he whispers, almost apologetically, "She can't tell you because you don't know. She's not there, Mamoru. Your head is making it seem like she is. She can only answer questions you know the answers to." "That's NOT true!" I spit back in rage. "Usa, what's your... Usa??" She's disappeared?! The girl on my arms has vanished. "U.. Usa!?!?!" I call hysterically. "Where are you!?!?!!! USA!!!!!?!!!??" I start shaking. What Motoki said can't be true. It CAN'T! My head starts spinning in circles. This isn't happening! Before Motoki can stop me, I dash out of the apartment to look for her, hopefully follow her. She couldn't have gone far. I try to reason with myself as I chase after her. At least, I THINK I'm chasing after her. She'd only go one place when she's in trouble or scared... I drag myself through the park, not having caught any sight of her. I pass "our bench" for the fifth time. I've searched for hours, even gone back to my apartment again. She's no where in sight..... I've lost her. Again. I sit down, despair washing over me like a soft, warm blanket. It seems like an old friend of mine, and I embrace it. I remember last night. Just last night I held her. Closing my eyes, I bring my arms up as if holding her, recalling the memories. Holding her, blonde curls tickling my nose as I inhale, sweet scent, her delicate skin pressed up against my face, her warmth, all of these thoughts rush to my mind. It had to have been real. You can't hallucinate something like that, can you? Of course not. The last time someone told me I made up a person, they were wrong. I found out the hard way that Fiore was very, very real. Another friend I have lost, one killed by my own hands. If I hadn't killed him, I would not be alone right now. I'd have lost Usako either way, I didn't want to kill him. Yet, maybe I would do it again, just to spend one last moment with my love, as I did. One second longer, that's all I want. I'd give everything for one more chance to see her. Everything for one more glimpse, one more touch, one more word, I'd sacrifice it all. The tears fall freely, I don't even try to stop them this time. I wouldn't be here if she were dead. She has to be somewhere. My head falls into my hands as I break down crying. Night has fallen, it starts to rain. No one will see me cry... My eyes open again just as the lights in the park begin to shine their dull light upon the wet path. The rain, now storming, beats down upon my back. Something near my foot glistens brightly in the darkness. I pick up her engagement ring. It was on the ground as if I never placed it on her finger. She can't be dead. That couldn't have been a lie. Then why is this all wrong? I realize there is only one solution. I never did see her dead. Rebelling against the weight on my shoulders forcing me down, I head towards the cemetery for answers. I stare at her gravestone in sheer horror. I stop, as does everything around me, save the rain. "No.... Please, God, no....." This can't be happening. It CAN'T. Usako is NOT dead. She's not. She's just not. My chest racks, my breathing resumes in heaves. I collapse, kneeling in the mud. "YOU'RE NOT DEAD!!!!" I scream, pounding my fist into the Earth. "YOU'RE NOT!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! USA, WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!?????!!!!!" My rational mind accepts her death, the rest of me refuses it. I WON'T accept it, this is a grave, nothing more. She's not under me, I'd feel it. Feel it... I won't believe it until I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she is dead. I catch my head in my hand, dirt smearing on my face. It doesn't remain there long, for when I raise my head to stare at that ugly marble stone, the rain pelts it away. I squeeze the earth between my shaking fingers, it's soft. I set my hands on my lap and stare at the ground, thinking that Usa may be only six feet below me. The water quickly fills the deep marks my hands have made. I have to see her dead, or this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have to know for certain. Despite my sanity, I start digging. To be continued.... It's 1 AM. Email me at mangetsu@email.com . I suffered to write this. I have class tomorrow... Goodnight, please write, don't let the bed bugs bite. -Shell Presto 12:45 AM 2/4/00 12:46 AM 2/4/00