Dead Inside
			     Part Four: Illusion
					by: Shell Presto

Rated: PG13 to R, I haven't decided yet. This story contains a little violence, bit of cursing, and, well, it's just kinda... deep? I don't know how to put it. Not really any adult situations, either. 
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. Takeuchi Naoko and various companies do. I'm just borrowing the characters to keep the tale going. However, I put a heckuva lot of work into all of this writing. It's my story, so please don't copy it. If you wanna post it, email me and I'll most likely say yes.
Note: O-hime-sama means "princess" (actually, more like a princess held in very high reverance). Mamoru has been known to call Usagi this from time to time.



	I'm holding her.
	I don't say anything. It seems like a dream and I'm afraid she'll disappear. I don't have to say a word though, Usako knows that I am glad to see her. More than that, I've never been happier in my entire life. Time passes in slow motion before I finally speak to her, "You're back."
	She pulls away from me slightly as she nods in affirmation. Tears of joy trickle down her cream colored cheeks, and I realize that there's some liquid running down mine as well. 
	I cup her face in my hand and wipe her tears with my thumb. "How is this possible? What happened to you?" I ask eagerly. She falls into a dead silence. I don't quite understand it, but whatever she went through must have been terrifying for her to be so silence stricken. Different tears fill her eyes, ones of painful memories, and I hold her head to my shoulder as she sobs, wrapping her arms tightly around my lower ribcage. "It's alright," I assure her. "You're safe now. Whatever happened to you is over, I won't ask about it. I'm just glad your safe, and I'll keep you that way. From now on, I swear, I'll protect you, Usako."
	Another long silence follows. An eternity later, she tilts her head up to look into my eyes, her own pleading for..... nourishment. "I'm... hungry," she states weakly. To my realization, I'm starving as well. I laugh, a reaction that she joins in on. "We need pancakes," she prescribes in response to moreso her own growing hunger. 
	I grin, "So..... wanna go get some pancakes?" I help her rise to her feet and we tread our way to my kitchen, both our stomachs growling. 
	I don't let her help me cook. Though I doubt you've tasted her cooking, believe me, whosoever lets Usako near their meal in preparation must possess a death wish, or at least a strong desire to get their stomach pumped. She stares wide eyed at the pan in which I pour the batter, a slight trace of saliva escaping her mouth. I laugh, though her attention does not leave her stomach's desire.
	She happily devours eight pancakes, and to think I didn't see it possible for her to eat the number I served her. I down six myself with the realization that I haven't eaten in about three days. When we both finish, she walks around the table and gives me a thank you kiss, coupled with one of her pattened hugs that leaves me (literally) breathless. Sliding the chair out from under the table, I sit her on my lap. Her arms encircle my neck, our lips meet. I run my hand up her back, the material of her cotton shirt feeling like silk simply because it is on her. My other hand rests on the small of her back, and, comparitively, her back is small, just the length of my hand as I hold her. We enter another silence, one of just being together, and it seems so long and yet too short.
	"I had better get you home," I say as I glance at the clock. It is indeed late, and I'm sure everyone else would like to know she's alive.
	She tightens her arms around my chest. "I don't want to leave yet," she whispers into my shirt. Her fingers clutch my shirt as a chill engulfs her. I hold her as she shivers, not knowing what has happened. She's afraid of leaving me, perhaps?
	"When do you want to go?" I asked in a hushed tone, afraid to raise my voice any higher. She seems startled enough.
	She cringes. Her tears soak into my shirt. "Please... Mamo-chan, .... don't make me go......" she whimpers.
	My jaw drops. I've never in all my life seen her like this. It's unnerving, to say the least. I grip her with a burning intensity. More than anything, I want to help her, yet I don't know how. Everyone thinks she's dead, so it doesn't matter if she stays, right? "I won't, Usako. You can stay as long as you like, as long as you feel a need to. Please, Usa, calm down. I.... I'll protect you like I said I would, alright?"
	I hold her for another hour, she remains huddled against my chest as I sit, rather uncomfortably, on a hard straight chair in my kitchen. Still, my comfort means nothing when she is like this, and a sore back is a small sacrifice for her happiness. There is a fear within me, however, one that tells me that she is scarred, and that whatever pain is inside of her from what she has gone through is a pain that will not heal. My entire apartment falls into silence, save for our breathing, hers which has finally regulated, and mine which is drawn out from worry. Her breathing is soft and almost non existant.... she's asleep. Drawing her up against me, I carry her to my bedroom, where I tuck her in. I am careful to lay her down gently, positioning her head just right against the pillow. Even in sleep, the shivering resumes. I pull out a thin quilt, the softest I own, from a container under my bed, and wrap it around my love. I lean over her a moment, trying to add my body's warmth to hers. Moments later, the shivering stops, and I head towards the kitchen to clean up before settling in with her.
	I don't wash the dishes, I just throw everything in the sink to soak. I decide Usa is more important at this moment, and I feel as though she will be horribly upset if I am not right there with her when she wakes. I reenter my sleeping quarters and sit at the foot of the bed, turned sideways so my back is against the wall. Resting my hand on the covers over her leg, I sigh. I watch her sleep, not knowing why small moans escape her lips, why a look of pain keeps crossing her face. How can I possibly help her when I don't know what's wrong? I will protect her though.
	My eyelids suddenly become like lead weights. My head tilts foward a minute before I fall over completely to the side, my head resting on her covered knees. I am aware of the position I am in. I should crawl under the covers with her, and yet I am reluctant to, as somehow I think that is a betrayal of her trust. Instead I stroke her lower leg gently with my hand through the covers. "Usa.................... I hope you're alright."

	I wake up holding a wadded up blanket next to my face. I realize my cheek is no longer on her leg, but on the bed itself. I push myself up on my arms. "Usako?" I groan. Where is she? 
	"MAMO-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!" I hear her scream from my living room. I burst through the door with speed I don't know I possess. I look everywhere for her, but she is gone. I check the whole apartment, then the hallway outside, there is no trace of her. Tears in my eyes, I drag myself into my apartment to find her sitting on the couch.
	"You're hallucinating, Mamo-chan," she tells me. Her face is grim. "You're seeing things that aren't here."
	My knees buckle, my walk to the couch is an unsteady one. "What do you mean?"
	"I'm not real, Mamo-chan. I'm dead, you know that. Your mind is doing this, creating me. I'm not really here, you only think I am."
	"N.... no," I stutter. "You're right here." I move my hand to touch her, and, to my absolute horror, it passes through her. Then she disappears. "USA!!!!! DON'T GO!!!!!!" I scream. "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S AN ILLUSION!!!!!!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
	
	"UUUUUUUUUUUUSAAAA!!!!!!!" I scream, eyes closed, tears streaming. It hurts my own ears to hear my voice so loud.
	"MAMO-CHAN!" I hear in return. Small hands tangle in my short hair. "Wake up! It's a dream! You're having a nightmare!"
	My eyes snap open. I'm still holding her leg, her body is contorted around mine, holding me. I release her leg as she does my head. I pull myself onto my arms and stare into her pale blue eyes. "You're alive....?" I choke out, my throat in agony from it's stress.
	She puts her hand over my cheek. "Of course I am."
	I release a long sigh of ease, then hold her. "I had a dream, you said this was a lie, then you disappeared. Usa....." I huddle over her, embracing her. "I'm glad you're alright. You.... you are alright, aren't you?"
	She holds back a little squeak of a sob, "I had a nightmare, too. The same one as you did."
	"........... Usa.." I don't know what to tell her. We've had simultaneous visions before, though I somehow doubt these were sent by my future self. Visions..... I hope that these are not visions. Please, let them only be nightmares, I couldn't take losing Usako all over again.
	"You've been calling me Usa," she giggles in a reassuringly happy tone. 
	I have to think about it a moment when I notice she's right. "I have, haven't I?"
	The smile on her face is sweeter than chocolate (though it doesn't cause any cavities). "What's that implying, Mamo-chan?"
	I am at a complete loss of words. I suppose it means I'm showing more intimacy. Maybe it means I'm not holding back anymore, and that I've finally come to grips with my feelings for her. I should tell her that outright, but I still don't want our relationship to develop too quickly. After all, slow and steady wins the race.... then again, the tortoise didn't die..... I can't be hasty with Usa simply because she could die. That's a horrible way to ruin a perfectly good relationship. "I suppose it means I forgot to do the dishes," I reply with a smirk. "It's three in the morning. Get some rest, Usako, I'll be back in a few minutes."
	Once again, she grins. "Okay, Mamo-chan, but when you come in, sleep in the bed, not on my legs."
	Laughing, I walk into the kitchen and turn on the light. I glimpse at the dishpan, in which there is a mass amount of broken up pancakes floating. I stare at the chunks of what appears to be a pancake soup with soap in it, and I wonder where the pancakes came from. Usa and I finished off every single cake, yet there are multiple in the dishpan. Have I gone crazy? What in the world does this mean?
	Chiba Mamoru, you think too much. Wash the dishes and go get some well needed rest. That's exactly what I do.

	I'm battered awake by that lovely thin arm. Even when she's with me, she tosses and turns to no end. Her leg is wrapped around both of mine. There is a small path of dried saliva down the side of her face. These may not be her most attractive features, but I find these features make her more interesting, maybe even more attractive. 
	Somehow, I maneuver my way out of bed to start breakfast. It's somewhat odd to realize that Usako has slept over in my apartment. This is the first time she will be having breakfast at my place. I suppose I ought to make it a good one. I hardly ever make a large breakfast for myself, cold cereal and fruit seem to come with living alone. Luckily, I had gone out grocery shopping right before my life's little fiasco started, so everything in the fridge is still very edible.
	I know she has a habit for not getting out of bed, which is why it takes her until the bacon starts frying to make her groggy way into the kitchen. "Need... food..." she mumbles, and I can't help but laugh as her stomach sounds its agreement.
	"Just a few more minutes, Usako."
	She staggers up behind me, clutching my arm. "I can't wait that long..." she moans as she picks up a freshly buttered piece of toast and puts it in her mouth. She seems too tired to even chew, she just holds it in her mouth, and I crack up laughing at the sight. She looks like a sad, tired puppy or something. "Don't laugh," she pouts. "Just cook." 
	I set two plates and set them on the table. She looks about ready to cry when I still her hand while moving my chair to the side of the table adjacent to her. "You're being served today, O-hime-sama."
	She is absolutely delighted when I feed her a small bit of scrambled egg. We eat slowly as we serve our food to each other. Feeding each other, somewhat silly I suppose, but it definitely cheers her up. "Let's go for a walk after this," she suggests. I readily accept, that is, after I take a shower.

	We are walking through Asabu as a couple, her arm hooked around mine. I was afraid we'd never get to do this. Before the recent tragedy, I had never thought about holding her hand or kissing her or fathering her children. Mind you, I love Usako, but it never really crossed my mind. It had to take her death for me to realize what I had neglected. I'm the luckiest man alive to get this second chance.
	She drags me into a jewelry store, where a ring catches her eye, a small gold one with tiny diamonds around it. I ask the clerk what size it is, and, of course, it is her size. She is in utter disbelief when I buy it. We walk to the park in a warm silence.
	It's the sunniest day all year, the sky is blue and there is a slight breeze to keep you cool. I bid her to sit on a bench, which she does. I then kneel before her, placing the ring box in her hand. "Usako, I was thinking, there really is no point in delaying an engagement. I am absolutely confident that our love will see us through everything, so..." To my surprise, I'm very hot, and my throat is very dry. Perhaps I'm not so confident. "I hope you'll forgive my fowardness, Usako, but... I love you, and I would, sometime in the future, like to.... like to......" I choke. I can't say it. I want it, but I can't get the words to come out. Something is wrong... Images of pancakes floating in a dishpan fill my mind. Why am I thinking of this in the middle of...
	".... Mamo-chan?"
	"Huh?"
	"Did you hear what I said?" she asks, worry plastered on her face. I feel awful, her skin is so pale all because I can't keep my head on straight.
	"No, I'm sorry, my mind drifted off a bit."
	"I said I'd marry you."
	Now, I could go into detail about how I hug her, and how we kiss, how people stare at us, and how we don't care but keep on kissing as I slip the ring onto her finger, but I digress, as that is more personal than I would like to share. Then my stomach growls. A very normal occurence, for someone who hasn't just had a huge breakfast. I had a huge breakfast with Usa, and it's hardly been an hour since then. Why am I hungry now? Usako demands we head to Crown for a snack. I find myself too hungry to object.
	We order two triple fudge sundaes, and are served promptly. We don't share this time, but I do keep my hand on her leg, which is more than I've ever done before. I'm getting very used to sitting next to Usa, instead of across from her. Still, I hardly taste my sundae when Motoki spots me, and heads over. I grin. Won't he be surprised?




To be continued...


There ya go, the fourth chapter. What did you think? Are you intrigued? Confused? Like it? Hate it? Well, I'll only know if you tell me! ( mangetsu@email.com ) Oh, I would like to apologize if I have yet to answer any old emails. I have to sort through my mailbox until I find the old ones to reply, however I have no problems replying to new ones, and if you have written, i would like to hear from you again!
Serving you semi-weekly,
-Shell Presto

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bridge/3542/index.htm

12:09 AM 1/25/00