Dead Inside
			     Part Two: Loss
					by: Shell Presto

Rated: PG13 to R, I haven't decided yet. This story contains a little violence, bit of cursing, and, well, it's just kinda... deep? I don't know how to put it. Not really any adult situations, either. 
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. Takeuchi Naoko and various companies do. I'm just borrowing the characters to keep the tale going. However, I put a heckuva lot of work into all of this writing. It's my story, so please don't copy it. If you wanna post it, email me and I'll most likely say yes.
Note: This story requires you to have some knowledge about the end of the Sailor Moon R movie, however, if you know nothing, I'm sure you'll catch on. I don't own Sailor Moon or any affiliated characters. I'm just borrowing them to keep the moonlight legend alive.




	It's my fault.
	Despair washes over me. Odd, I've never needed her more than now, when she is gone. My arms clutch her limp form ever more tightly, to the point that it would hurt her, were she alive. I feel numb, this is so unbelievable and I want to deny it. I can't though, I'm lying on the proof. Those are my hot tears running down her white cheeks. In my confusion, I kiss them away, thinking for a moment that they might be hers. 
	"I need you," I tell her softly. Do I really believe her eyes will open to reveal that pale blue? Solemnly, I brush a few strands of hair away from those closed eyes. My tears stop, as does something within me. I rise off the bed and walk into my living room, leaving my beloved in the room behind me. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life, and given my life, that's quite an accomplishment. As if my body is falling apart, I crash onto the couch. My head slams into the arm rest, though it doesn't really hurt. Every time I've done that it hurt, and now it doesn't today. That doesn't make much sense. I pull my head up to stare at the arm rest. It's as hard as it ever was, it should hurt. I quickly bash my forehead against it, as forcefully as I can. A dull pain fills the area of impact. Then I realize, it does hurt, I'm just too numb and emotionally dead that physical pain doesn't phase me. I've never felt like this. I need help. I wish I had someone to talk to.
	The light rapping at my door comes as a shock. I jump off the couch to answer the door. Two dark red eyes greet me as I open the door, looking sad and worn. I can't believe I forgot about her. Then again, I can't recall my full name. Does she know? "Chibi Usa?"
	"Maaaaamoooo......" she trails off before collapsing. I'm on my knees holding her before I realize what has happened. Her breathing is light and fleeting, her body cold. Without thinking I prop her up on the couch and cover her with a blanket. For some odd reason I insist on holding her hand in my own. It's so tiny when compared to mine. I smile lovingly. My little girl, I have a daughter. I'm not alone.
	"I.... don..... feel gooooood," she mumbles to me. She's sweating, and I brush the droplets off her face.
	"You're hot..." I notice. "Does your throat hurt? How does your stomach feel?" I'm light headed again, why does all of this feel wrong? She forces her weight foward, pushing into my arms, and giving me a face full of pink hair. I sit on the couch and hold her close to me, like one would an infant, though she is almost six years old. For as much as I love her, we've never been this close. I feel so warm holding her like this. She actually feels like my daughter, and I wish we'd have been this intimate before. A very paternal, very loving feeling washes over me. It's nice. She smiles weakly at me, then curls up in my arms.
	I watch her as she sleeps. Having a family is a wonderful thing. Being loved unconditionally by those you love is the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. Just being with Chibi Usa is support for the tragedy that has occured, and, although I mourn Usako, my bond with Chibi Usa will keep me sane. I forgot to tell Chibi Usa about what happened.... Still, she is ill, and it's best not to burden her any further. I study her features, she looks like she's in pain. Perhaps I should take her to a doctor.
	It feels so strange, holding my daughter whom I've never seen born, never seen grow, whom I haven't even conceived yet. I have often imagined Usako pregant, carrying my child within her. Something I'll never see, and something I'll always regret not having seen. Strange, I'm holding Chibi Usa and she isn't even born yet. She won't be born until Usako... Usako.....
	I quickly turn my full attention to my sleeping child. She's weak, as if she's....... I clutch her little body, holding it against my chest. She moans slightly. I should say something, but I can't. Instead, I bite my lip. After a moment I can taste my blood, then my tears mix with the red liquid. I hold her tighter still. She looks unnaturally pale, and I know why. She is disappearing, because she cannot exist without a mother to give birth to her. She remains asleep for the next hour, I don't want to make her suffer by waking her up. It is best she goes painlessly.
	There is nothing I can do to help her. I watch her fade away. After that, I simply hold the blanket she was wrapped in until her warmth dissipates, as she has done. 
	I shiver. If the night is warm, I don't know it. Cold. That describes everything, temperature, my heart, my life, fate. All of them are ice cold.
	What do you do when your world falls apart? What part of nothing is mine to keep? What do you do when you can't understand yourself? I know I'm thinking, but I can't make out anything clear. Maybe I'm dying as well. My body makes it's way to Usako. I don't know how it's moving, I can't even remember where she is. I place the blanket next to her as I lay down. Hot liquid rolls down my face and soaks into the pillow. I kiss her forehead, leaving blood against that white pallette. A red kiss shaped tattoo, sealing our fate. I can't live without her. Of course, I'm still breathing. My body may function but I'm hollow inside.
	I pull her body close to mine. She is limp, and her arms don't fall quite right. It's unnerving so I fix their position about my neck. I wish she'd wake up. I kiss her as passionately as I can, as I have always wanted to. What a horrible feeling, to know that I've not shown her everything I feel for her. I always thought we were too young, that I'd have my whole life to express my feelings. Who knew that it would end so soon? I thought we'd live forever. Now, it is too late.
	I move my hands down the length of her body, feeling her curves. She's still as gorgeous as ever, except for her lack of color. Our lips touch again, and I press against her. I don't know what I'm doing. I want her back. She can't respond to my lips. I hesistantly back away, sobbing. THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!! 
	If time continues, I certainly don't know it. 

	The Senshi roll me off of her, I don't think I can move on my own anymore. They are talking, but the words are lost to me. I forget what they mean, though they are directed at me. Someone lifts Usako from my bed. I protest immediately, yelling something they can't comprehend and reaching for my love. I'm forced back onto the bed by my shoulders. They've taken her from me. They leave the room, except for one. She pulls my body upright, setting me in a sitting position. There is some concern when my head falls foward; my neck doesn't feel like working today. As a matter of fact, I don't feel like anything today, and I don't know who you are anymore, so leave me alone.
	I don't know if she read my thoughts, but she leaves. My eyes catch glimpse of a note on my bed. U s a g i ' s...... I know the letters, yet they make no sense. Guess my brain doesn't like working either. That's good, cause I'm tired. Darkness envelops me and everything just drifts away.

	I wake up with a stomach ache. I feel wasted. That little note is still on my bed, staring at me. My fingers play with the paper, I don't feel like reading it. Maybe I forget how to? "Oo sah gee su fee yuu na rah la" I sound the words out slowly. I begin to have a headache, and I'm not very interested in reading anymore. My mind focuses on simply comprehending what I have read. "Oosahgeesu.... Usagi's...." I realize with a start that it's the name of my love. My interest is peaked. My brain turns on as I read in a hushed tone, "Usagi's funeral will be held in two days at 9:00 am. Her viewing is tomorrow at 8pm. I understand if you do not attend, though I thought you might like to. I know this is hard on you, Mamoru-san. Please, don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything. -Rei" 
	Funeral... what an ugly word. I don't want to go. I still haven't accepted the fact that she's dead. I want her to live again. She's been revived before, why not now? 
	I can't feel her anymore.
	She's gone.
	Why did she leave?
	I walk to the balcony with all these thoughts in my head. It's raining, and my breath makes a haze over the glass of the door. Though I am aware that it should be late afternoon, the view beyond my door shows nothing but the darkest night. The Earth has joined me in my mourning. The pads of my fingers trace her name through the condensation on the glass. For a moment, I see her reflection staring back at me, a phantom, nothing more. It disappears as hot liquid burns down my cheek. My hand tightens to a fist, pressing on the glass. Cracks form, and my blood runs down to fill the tracing of her name. 
	I wince in something more than pain, "I miss you, Usako."




To be continued...



Tell me what u think. mangetsu@email.com
-Shell Presto

11:34 PM 12/1/99